Hallelujah
#5
(10-19-2013, 01:39 AM)tigrflye Wrote:  
(03-12-2013, 12:34 AM)escorial Wrote:  before I start, it's my opinion that every word "i" should be changed to a capital "I".
i would love to believe
find you crossing my pathI want to read the first two sentences together since there is no punctuation at all in this poem. I would love to believe find you crossing my path. I recommend some punctuation. Even better would be: I'd love to believe I'll find you crossing my path. And punctuation.
stand by my side when i'm alone
walk with me on my journey
follow me down this long roadthings like this have been said a lot before. Get more creative.

when i see sunset i see only sky
in nature i see only miles to walk
a swinging cross on a windscreen
bible unread in a hotel room
preacher shouting in the street

now the days are longthe road was long. Look for a different word
the night fades into daylightwhat is special about that.. doesn't it do that every morning?
my body is strong
the soul is weak
lost in every place i visit I like this thought

was there a time i did believe
when i was a kid in the streetthe preacher was in the street. If you could find a different word it would be stronger
schooldays and morning mass
religious education class
i listened and wondered

time has passed
life's journey as set me asidelife's journey has set me aside?
ive cried and wished so hard
that you were really there
I often sing quietly to hallelujah I like this last image. I'd prefer "softly" instead of quietly
__________________
Though we could be wrong, it is our understanding that escorial passed away earlier this year. If untrue, we can look forward to a spirited defense of this piece. If true....more spiritual than spirited. [/color]


Messages In This Thread
Hallelujah - by escorial - 03-12-2013, 12:34 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by Malu - 10-18-2013, 09:24 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by SirBrendan - 10-19-2013, 12:56 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by tigrflye - 10-19-2013, 01:39 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by tectak - 10-19-2013, 03:54 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by milo - 10-21-2013, 08:39 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by Viktor Vaughn - 10-21-2013, 08:47 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by drithebee - 10-29-2013, 07:09 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by Brian - 07-20-2014, 01:56 PM
RE: Hallelujah - by tectak - 07-21-2014, 12:26 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by Brian - 07-21-2014, 10:17 AM
RE: Hallelujah - by tectak - 07-22-2014, 05:56 AM



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