the dark ocean that is my mind

[Malu]

Mind you I have Never written a poem, but I am good with words and am very creative. this is only about half finished but I was looking for some critique. I love hip hop (not busted rap but the art of hip hop).
I have found they roll off my mind very easily, so I wrote one down in about 10 minutes but it comes from me. be gentle here goes...


the dark ocean that is my mind


Every night I lay alone with this darkness that is my mind So you aren't really alone, are you?
I fight and i struggle with this ocean and its tides So the first "I" of this line is capitalized but not the second, interesting.
No matter How I swim I always seem to sink Any reason on the capitalization of "How" when it's the third word in this line.
to the bottom of this ocean where I cant even think Can't
Its so dark down here and so heavy on my chest
I am always shedding tears even though I give my best

Inside this darkness is my mind, its that spot I disapear and hide Reads a bit weird
from this world from this life from myself and this discord
You cant escape from this black, it fucks you up wrecks your mind Can't
it smacks your life off track and puts a halt to your grind Off track, as in a new direction, followed by being put to a halt. I'm curious what that means.

you will lose your breath under the pressure of the black
its slows your flow it speeds your death there is no coming back It* slows not "its slows" and I think a comma can go after "flow"
exchange these thoughts with myself and put my life on a shelf I wonder if you have a good shelf-life
I get so sad sometimes all days identical, this life sometimes is just so radical "I get so sad sometimes all days identical" reads weird. Also if every day is identical then how is it radical? Radical especially means change of action. Even if that wasn't the case, it wouldn't be radical after a month of everyday being the same.

There were a few grammar and capitalization errors, really simple ones. That kind of hints at this being rushed. You started off with decent imagery but finished with hardly any.