10-18-2013, 04:24 AM
Hello Todd,
I like your poem, but while reading I felt it ran out of steam around the middle point; for me that point comes when the poem turns into a "list" (from "The witch cackle..." on). It starts to feel a bit bloated; for me this feeling comes because some images I think are stronger than others. I feel that in such a "theme and variations"-poem, ideally, the ideas should be uniformly strong, or discarded.
Which images "work" is of course a subjective thing; for me the whole first verse was great, the second less gripping; I guess the images "flying monkeys" and "straw zombies" didn't really trigger that "primal fear" I get from the first verse. Maybe because they're not as iconic (the doll) or realistic (the stranger)?
Like I said, visually turning the poem in a list isn't a good idea, I think. It feels like you tick off the ideas that were left. The X-Ray and the funnel cloud worked best for me, but this is of course personal (so, maybe the trick is to find as many "universal" fear-images as possible, that are at the same time as original as possible?)
Hope this is of any worth to you!
All best,
Jan
I like your poem, but while reading I felt it ran out of steam around the middle point; for me that point comes when the poem turns into a "list" (from "The witch cackle..." on). It starts to feel a bit bloated; for me this feeling comes because some images I think are stronger than others. I feel that in such a "theme and variations"-poem, ideally, the ideas should be uniformly strong, or discarded.
Which images "work" is of course a subjective thing; for me the whole first verse was great, the second less gripping; I guess the images "flying monkeys" and "straw zombies" didn't really trigger that "primal fear" I get from the first verse. Maybe because they're not as iconic (the doll) or realistic (the stranger)?
Like I said, visually turning the poem in a list isn't a good idea, I think. It feels like you tick off the ideas that were left. The X-Ray and the funnel cloud worked best for me, but this is of course personal (so, maybe the trick is to find as many "universal" fear-images as possible, that are at the same time as original as possible?)
Hope this is of any worth to you!
All best,
Jan
(10-11-2013, 08:04 PM)Todd Wrote: Newton's Cradle
Terror is never as simple as the unseen clacking ball.
It is always the doll with a butcher’s knife,
crawling through ventilation shafts,
or the stranger that follows you home—
with each imperceptible connection
acting as a marker.
We scan the skies for flying monkeys,
or wander through corn fields
to the music of the moon, with its midnight waltz
of straw zombies--simple distractions
to protect us from the truth.
The witch cackle, cackles and you will believe
that you can never go home.
A fingerprint will smudge
cancer on an X-ray
The clatter of the metal duct
will cover the creak of tiny feet on hardwood
The funnel cloud swirls
like a swarm of restless bees.
The ball is already swinging.
Death comes first
then the dying.
~~~
The original poem is here. I got a great deal of good feedback that led to this revision. Thanks all!