10-17-2013, 12:36 AM
I like where you are trying to go. I think it is a story worth telling. I like the part about seeing other families with children as their center and the kid wishing he had that too.
I also like where you are going with the memory of mom telling stories and having dreams and wondering why it had to change when she had a kid.
I like these parts because they are specific reasons, .. when a lot of the poem seems more vague. You tell me the kid had sorrow, but I'd rather feel his sorrow with more examples.
"I spy so much inside" so much what?
" I don't know what put me up here,
I don't know what made me jump," I'm not crazy about the fact that this line says I don't know what made me jump..past tense..as in "I already jumped" and the next line says "as I stand, I stare".. wait, I thought you already jumped? Maybe rephrase with something like I don't know what put me up here, or why I want to jump. /Why I need to jump.
I'm not sold on the image of "leather-brass" wings.
I feel like I only got a little of the story and I'm left without clearly knowing why he did what he did. But I want to.
I also like where you are going with the memory of mom telling stories and having dreams and wondering why it had to change when she had a kid.
I like these parts because they are specific reasons, .. when a lot of the poem seems more vague. You tell me the kid had sorrow, but I'd rather feel his sorrow with more examples.
"I spy so much inside" so much what?
" I don't know what put me up here,
I don't know what made me jump," I'm not crazy about the fact that this line says I don't know what made me jump..past tense..as in "I already jumped" and the next line says "as I stand, I stare".. wait, I thought you already jumped? Maybe rephrase with something like I don't know what put me up here, or why I want to jump. /Why I need to jump.
I'm not sold on the image of "leather-brass" wings.
I feel like I only got a little of the story and I'm left without clearly knowing why he did what he did. But I want to.