10-15-2013, 03:35 PM
(Been having trouble sleeping so your notes are keeping me company through the small hours – I lied about the going slow!)
I got a sense of the poem being more organic (I hate this sort of description but can’t think of a better word right now) – the poem had moments when it grew by it’s itself but I still felt in control of the process – like driving a corner in a performance car with opposite lock and more power.
I actually found it very hard to “just write”. It would be fine for a couple of lines and then suddenly I would be tinkering and thinking about the plot and word choice again. So perhaps this is defiantly the right line to be taking in terms of a mentoring idea. (I guess I might even have subconsciously known this previously in that I picked a poem birthed out of the surreal project to be mentored on first). Over thinking and over working my poems is def a problem for me.
I am encouraged that my images are feeling more real and vivid. (Even though they are perhaps weaker in the sense that they do not carry so much weight – if that makes any sense to you). They might have less meaning but both poems felt better than the original to me. And yes they felt easier to write.
One of the things I have taken away from this exercise is something that TOMH used in his mentoring notes, namely the presence of key words or phrases which are crucial to the read / understanding. I get an impression from the two new poems that what I need to be able to do is to identify what images are most prominent (sort of hard wired) into my un-written poem. My current thought is that, if I can manage to get these down during the free write stage, then the poem will be better for it.
One aspect that surprised me was when I tried to write with one of the senses taken away. I found it really hard (Start of this idea below) and came to the conclusion that this was because the feel and sound and smell of the place were the strongest images and what I most wanted to be able to communicate (and thus this makes the journey / faith / Eden story / plot secondary). When I was free writing it is the idea of being in the woods that most captivates me. I did not plan to write prose and Haiku (effectively Haibun) it is just what happened when I focused on a sense being missing. Nature and how it surrounds me became the focus and the other aspects I had been thinking about got condensed into bullet points.
Remove one of the senses
Wandering along the trail
I can feel the rough strewn rocks
and roots that litter the floor of the forest.
Leafy letters crunch and rustle underfoot
and I am mindful of my guide, who labours
to one side, on the path less travelled.
A rocky road,
a blind guide --
Travelling light.
Each step away from Alma-Ata
takes me deeper into the wild woods.
The mountains in my mind are snow covered,
crisp and clear and yet the air upon my skin
is warm; alive with sound. Twigs with birds
tapping and frog popping fruit drops.
Outstretched limbs
the father’s arms--
Surround sound.
What do I like? / What’s new? (Ideas only, not necessarily the actual words)
Clustered family branches, Tight knitted communities, Frog popping fruit drops, Twigs with birds tapping, Blue print mother, Leafy letters, worm infested papaya sheets, rustle, shroud, Snow covered/ smothered. The mountains in my mind – like the idea of preconceived ideas being blown away. Surround sound, fruit wood trail, embossed impressions.
I also really like the whole hare thing, but not sure if it belongs in this poem, but equally not sure that slant / poem will work without the hares. (In fact the more I read it the more I like this poem).
I got a sense of the poem being more organic (I hate this sort of description but can’t think of a better word right now) – the poem had moments when it grew by it’s itself but I still felt in control of the process – like driving a corner in a performance car with opposite lock and more power.
I actually found it very hard to “just write”. It would be fine for a couple of lines and then suddenly I would be tinkering and thinking about the plot and word choice again. So perhaps this is defiantly the right line to be taking in terms of a mentoring idea. (I guess I might even have subconsciously known this previously in that I picked a poem birthed out of the surreal project to be mentored on first). Over thinking and over working my poems is def a problem for me.I am encouraged that my images are feeling more real and vivid. (Even though they are perhaps weaker in the sense that they do not carry so much weight – if that makes any sense to you). They might have less meaning but both poems felt better than the original to me. And yes they felt easier to write.
One of the things I have taken away from this exercise is something that TOMH used in his mentoring notes, namely the presence of key words or phrases which are crucial to the read / understanding. I get an impression from the two new poems that what I need to be able to do is to identify what images are most prominent (sort of hard wired) into my un-written poem. My current thought is that, if I can manage to get these down during the free write stage, then the poem will be better for it.
One aspect that surprised me was when I tried to write with one of the senses taken away. I found it really hard (Start of this idea below) and came to the conclusion that this was because the feel and sound and smell of the place were the strongest images and what I most wanted to be able to communicate (and thus this makes the journey / faith / Eden story / plot secondary). When I was free writing it is the idea of being in the woods that most captivates me. I did not plan to write prose and Haiku (effectively Haibun) it is just what happened when I focused on a sense being missing. Nature and how it surrounds me became the focus and the other aspects I had been thinking about got condensed into bullet points.
Remove one of the senses
Wandering along the trail
I can feel the rough strewn rocks
and roots that litter the floor of the forest.
Leafy letters crunch and rustle underfoot
and I am mindful of my guide, who labours
to one side, on the path less travelled.
A rocky road,
a blind guide --
Travelling light.
Each step away from Alma-Ata
takes me deeper into the wild woods.
The mountains in my mind are snow covered,
crisp and clear and yet the air upon my skin
is warm; alive with sound. Twigs with birds
tapping and frog popping fruit drops.
Outstretched limbs
the father’s arms--
Surround sound.
What do I like? / What’s new? (Ideas only, not necessarily the actual words)
Clustered family branches, Tight knitted communities, Frog popping fruit drops, Twigs with birds tapping, Blue print mother, Leafy letters, worm infested papaya sheets, rustle, shroud, Snow covered/ smothered. The mountains in my mind – like the idea of preconceived ideas being blown away. Surround sound, fruit wood trail, embossed impressions.
I also really like the whole hare thing, but not sure if it belongs in this poem, but equally not sure that slant / poem will work without the hares. (In fact the more I read it the more I like this poem).