Translations of Goethe; Ongoing Project

[milo]

Whoa, Milo, why you gotta hate so hard?

it isn't hate, it is observation. You placed this rather poory written poem in "serious"

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to reply, so here are my responses:

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I agree, I do not like the first stanza.

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Have you read the German? Or only the current English translations of it.

"Die Augen gingen ihm über,
So oft er trank daraus."

or

"The (or her) eyes went over him,
so often he drank thereof."

This can mean a couple dozen things. He cries, she watches him, god watches him, etc.

Vom Himmel??

It's a pretty non religious poem but you turn a stanza that should be about nobles watching him at his court to a stanza about god? And you think this is ok translation? Where do you see heaven in the original (or crimson or red or any of the many other detail you added for that matter?)

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"took the cup to hide" is a pun, a bad one maybe. anyway, it's a phrase that means you keep something for yourself while giving other things away. You hold it to your hip while laying everything else out in front of you.

Please explain this pun to me, I don't get it. To me it just reads like poorly written verse.

literally, this stanza in German is:

"And when he came to die he divided his state among his heirs but wouldn't let them have the cup of gold."

so yes, he gives his kingdom away to his heirs.

but you changed it completely, because this is not a translation but a poem about another poem. There is a muqch that a translation should achieve. Changing the meaning and adding details are thungs that should be avoided.

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it's not botched meter, it's intentional deviation. read it without prejudice and you'll find it produces an interesting effect.

if the effect is to read like the first attempt ever to write in verse than it was successful, otherwise it ws not. Out of curiosity, what meter do you believe you are deviating from? And what effect do you believe you are achieving?

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"Er sah ihn stürzen, trinken
Und sinken tief ins Meer,"

literally: "He saw it fall, drinking and sinking deep in the sea"

I didn't change much. and it's a pretty straight forward image... you know, he drinks from the cup and now the cup is drinking from the sea.

yah this part you didn't change, but what are you translating into "he saw once more her image blink". ?

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Thanks for the reply, but next time please don't be so... insert whatever word here.

[/quote] awesome. I try not to be all the time, but it is hard.

EDIT: If you are using the already available English translations, know that they deviate the same, if not more than my translations (most of the time).

What I am using doesn't effect what you wrote. This, in its current form, needs a /lot/ of work and it is unclear whether you want to work on it as a poem or as a translation but it currently fails as either.