Tiny Homeless Sestina

[jdeirmend]

There are some awesome images here, and the thrust of the whole thing, the little snippet of the life-world of this imagined homeless person is generally compelling. The sensual details bear the marks of great promise. I simply want to learn more about this person's world. One cool thing about forms that feature this sort of lexical repetition is the way in which you can craft a story with them. You begin to do that with this, but you don't complete the story. That is my suggestion for revision: write more.

Vile acts happened on me, but I can’t remember.
It burns spooning with concrete corners.
I’ll not wash love stains off this sweatshirt.

That’s no beer-belly, but a bag under my sweatshirt
full of long cored apples, fresh as newborns to remember.
Heaven’s joy is dozing warm coffee shop corners.

Words wriggle like fish over my mouth’s corners.
My gait’s marvelous like a dependable old sweatshirt:
I’ve been struttin’ my stuff before even god can remember.

I use sweatshirt food to feed birds on the corner, praying they’ll remember.



*Not a sestina, but a trestina (or, half a sestina, in terms of repeating end words, though with about 1/4th as many lines).