Translations of Goethe; Ongoing Project

[milo]

First, you have taken quite a few liberties with the story. Second, your translation seems to have many beginner poetry mistakes stamped onto a pretty good writer.

Hi there. I have undertaken the project of translating Goethe from German to English and I'd like some feedback on what I have so far. I will occasionally post specific poems here on the forum, but I have many already done and online (I translate and post one a day). You can read them at www.goingvongoethe.blogspot.com . I am open to workshops on any of them, just copy and paste the poem here in this thread and we can get to talking =).

Anyway, this is the poem I've been having the most trouble with lately.

The King of Thule

There was a king of Thule
who loved, to the very end,
his maiden's chalice jeweled
death’s finest ruby red.

So, if you remove the lines breaks it is clear you are saying that there was a king of thule who loved his maiden's chalice jeweled. Really, why does he love the chalice jeweled as opposed to plain? Or, I guess he only loved it when the chalice was jeweled red? To the very end is cliche, why force Goethe to write cliches?

At each feast he drank
and spoke of no one else;
From heaven she watched him drink,
so oft he drank to heaven’s health.

Heaven's health? - ridiculous. The original has nothing about her watching him drink from heaven. At each feast he spoke of no one else - - except himself? There is no antecedent here.

And when death came for him,
he took the cup to hide;
He gave away his kingdom,
but none would take her ruby eyes.

he didn't take the cup to hide, he already had it, he just hid teh cup. Ruby eyes doesn't make any sense so it is a good thing it appears nowhere in the original. I don't recall him "giving his kingdom away" either, I thought he gathered close friends and heirs and divided his wealth.

He held a royal banquet,
gathered all his knights
here at Goden’s hamlet,
high on the Cliffs of Kyte.

even with most of your rhymes being slant rhymes the botched meter is screaming.

And so stood the old dreamer
as he drank the final embers of life,
then threw his lover’s chalice
to the foaming waters of the night.

final embers of life? foaming waters of night? some of this is pretty forced and awkward you know.

He watched it drop and drink,
disappearing to the sea.
He saw once more her image blink,
and never drank again.

He watched it drop and drink? What does that mean, it looks like English but doesn't make sense in English.

Overall, i wouldn't call this a translation, it is more of a poem based on another poem. One of the problems is that this reads quite amateurish and it is based on the work of a master writer. I think this needs some serious re-writing with some thoughts to the original and better facility with English.

Thanks for posting.