10-12-2013, 04:39 AM
Jringo,
You are so right about needing to change "sinking". By Golly I missed that!
No, roses aren't usually ashamed.. I was trying to give the impression that she is a regular flower..the rain made her feel safe, healthy, special.. she spread her pink petals for him(the rain).. unashamed, because he made her FEEL like a rose. I will look more at "tortured gray".
FP (Lexi)- I will look at " tortured gray". That part came so easily to me, like it was exactly how I pictured it, what I wanted to convey.. but if it isn't working for the reader then I really must give it more thought.
The ending.. well, what I wanted to say with this poem was basically, is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? No.. because now you know what you are missing. So in my mind, the flower isn't dead at the end, just wilting again as the seasons change, but now it hurts so much more because unlike in the beginning, now she has memory of the rain. Piercing pain = shriek.
Perhaps I could find a better way to elaborate to make that more clear.
To both of you - thank you for taking the time to read and crit my poem.
Jenn
You are so right about needing to change "sinking". By Golly I missed that!
No, roses aren't usually ashamed.. I was trying to give the impression that she is a regular flower..the rain made her feel safe, healthy, special.. she spread her pink petals for him(the rain).. unashamed, because he made her FEEL like a rose. I will look more at "tortured gray".
FP (Lexi)- I will look at " tortured gray". That part came so easily to me, like it was exactly how I pictured it, what I wanted to convey.. but if it isn't working for the reader then I really must give it more thought.
The ending.. well, what I wanted to say with this poem was basically, is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? No.. because now you know what you are missing. So in my mind, the flower isn't dead at the end, just wilting again as the seasons change, but now it hurts so much more because unlike in the beginning, now she has memory of the rain. Piercing pain = shriek.
Perhaps I could find a better way to elaborate to make that more clear.
To both of you - thank you for taking the time to read and crit my poem.
Jenn