10-11-2013, 11:55 AM
This feels very personal. I can imagine it being spit/ screamed to metal music. I like "aesthetic, pathetic" and "I'm tiny. I'm hideous. And I'm such a fucking idiot"
I actually think your rhymes are okay. Not necessarily original - because I think we all feel ugly, etc at some point and that feeling has been written about a lot - I don't see a special "spin" on it.. but I liked it because it read easy. You know, I enjoy reading stephen king but sometimes I just want a romance novel cuz it is easy and doesn't require too much thinking.
I think it is what it is.
If this was " technically a poem", I'd suggest more adjectives and similes.. but I won't because it is song lyrics and it flows well. I'd like to hear it to music, like you intended.
I actually think your rhymes are okay. Not necessarily original - because I think we all feel ugly, etc at some point and that feeling has been written about a lot - I don't see a special "spin" on it.. but I liked it because it read easy. You know, I enjoy reading stephen king but sometimes I just want a romance novel cuz it is easy and doesn't require too much thinking.
I think it is what it is.
If this was " technically a poem", I'd suggest more adjectives and similes.. but I won't because it is song lyrics and it flows well. I'd like to hear it to music, like you intended.