10-11-2013, 08:34 AM
(10-11-2013, 08:27 AM)RyanRader13 Wrote: I like what you are trying to do, I get what you want to say, but content is lacking. It sounds more like a motto or personally like a multiple choice quiz. I think it is something you could build onI get what you're saying, I just don't know how to build from here?
(10-11-2013, 08:26 AM)Malu Wrote: There is a message here, but this poem is almost 100% listed words. I suggest for your title you make some clever allusion as to your view point on this subject matter. For the ending, judging by what you're trying to do here, perhaps convey some sort of rebellion and rising up to these issues. That way it leads to sort of a cliff hanger, where the reader interprets that however they want the story to end (along the lines of what you're trying to say of course)Thanks a lot! Do you have any ideas about how I could change this format?
If you want to stick with this format, your ending could be something like
But we are
Individual
Beings
....
....
....
(......) this word should be a real grand slam with your message
Stuff like that. I think this could work, because it follows your pattern "we are" so adding but really shifts things around in a good way. Also representing change. Or you could keep the "we are" and just turn it around with something like "we are tired of...blah blah blah" there you could even add one to two more stanzas with how you think things should be. Something like that