10-10-2013, 02:11 PM
Line six is too long, and the last line reads a bit awkward, but yes, much improved from your last one, not because it is written in verse, but because it is just better. It make sense, and has a bouncy line to go with the bouncy content.
Dale
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.