a kind of sonnet

[Erthona]

Jeffrey,

If by "kind of a Sonnet", you mean, sort of like a sonnet, then sure, but it still must be judged as a sonnet, as "kind of a Sonnet" is not really an established form. I am assuming you meant for it to be judge as a sonnet,and the "kind of" was simply your acknowledgment that you knew it did not successfully replicate that form in several areas. So I will critique it as a sonnet.

I see the same problems I see with lots of sonnets. It is just very difficult to write five feet of iambs in English line upon line, without at some point reversing the syntax: "to force myself to best the day’s surmise". It is also quite common to flip over into trochee ( aesthetes: es-theet), which I think is more a more natural foot for English. There is also a lot of filler in the form of "and", but", "for" and so on: "And so I grumble...", instead of "I grumble...". In terms of rhyme I am unsure if you are attempting to rhyme
of" with "enough", but I am certain "then" is not rhymed with anything. This appears to be in the form of an Elizabethan for the first two quatrains, with the standard abab rhyme pattern, but then you seem to drop into a Petrarchan in the third quatrain with the abba rhyme pattern. After that, it becomes...confusing.
Of course it is much too long for a sonnet, at least any I am aware of, but then I don't keep up with such things as sonnets are not really my cup of tea, but I would estimate about seven lines too long, of which I am sure you are aware.
Stylistically, I can't say I am much in favor of breaking a sentence in the middle of the line, of course that is mainly preference.
I think one must admire anyone trying to rhyme "aesthetes", but some of your other rhymes seem forced, causing the line to be forced into an unaesthetic phrase: "I find my mood is ragged, hollow, shred". Generally I think an article would at least precede "shred", but then you would need to drop either "hollow" or "ragged", and still you would be one syllable short.
Other things just seem like brain farts such as:
"And so I grumble up myself to face anew", which if you dropped the "And so", which should not be there anyway, you have a perfectly good five foot line. That is not to say it is a perfectly good line, but I don't think adding the "And so" makes any difference one way or another in that regards.

Certainly sonnets are a wonderful practice exercise, and probably any poet should be conversant with them. Leanne is, as far as I know, the resident guru on sonnets; she opens her mouth and a sonnet flows out as naturally as most of us asking for a glass of water. I would speak some on your word choices "wanker"??? As this is not in "serious work shopping" I will halt here.

Best of luck with this unnatural beast (not your poem, I mean the sonnet).

dale

When I have risen early from my bed
to force myself to best the day’s surmise,
I find my mood is ragged, hollow, shred.
I hate dawn’s rosy fingers at sunrise.

I’d rather stay all twined within my sheets --
For you are there. And leaving you behind
when staying promises delights aesthetes (foot of trochee?)
would die to taste and revel in supine

is foolishness, and like to wrath the gods
for spurning their good gift to me that’s you.
But duty calls and duty wants its aching due (six too long)
so sore a thing its burden is; the bloody sod.

And so I grumble up myself to face anew (six feet)
another day far from the nesting of
your arms, far from the rest you bring to me
when I, within their fold, am made to see

how blissful life can be, how it’s enough,
not wealth, or fame, to lift me up to glee.
But then I think of how you wait for my return, (six too long)
and I can glibly say to duty then,
O burn and burn, you bleeding wanker, burn!