a kind of sonnet

[billy]

what rhyme scheme are you using jeff?
the first quatrain is abab
then it goes. cdcfghhi or g and then i start to get lost. so for me the rhyme scheme is distracting.

the meter is perfect iamb i think (i'm shite at meter) but with so many lines i'd have liked to have seen a few variations on a few of them.
it would have made it more comfortable and a just a little less forced.
it's a good effort. i'm one of those smiley happy bastards when i awake but my kids are like the 1st person of the poem so i can relate to it.
overall it does have a staid wordiness about it and i'm not sure that helps the write.
thanks for the read.

When I have risen early from my bed
to force myself to best the day’s surmise, when you use two of something, in this case [to] i'd suggest changing one so as to not weaken the line. a suggestion would be[and force,] or [and forced] the tense still works i think and would be easy to change if not.
I find my mood is ragged, hollow, shred.
I hate dawn’s rosy fingers at sunrise.

I’d rather stay all twined within my sheets --
For you are there. And leaving you behind seem arbitrary to use a period?
when staying promises delights aesthetes
would die to taste and revel in supine
is foolishness, and like to wrath the gods
for spurning their good gift to me that’s you.
But duty calls and duty wants its aching due a suggestion would be [when] instead of [but]
so sore a thing its burden is; the bloody sod.
And so I grumble up myself to face anew
another day far from the nesting of
your arms, far from the rest you bring to me
when I, within their fold, am made to see
how blissful life can be, how it’s enough,
not wealth, or fame, to lift me up to glee.
But then I think of how you wait for my return,
and I can glibly say to duty then,
O burn and burn, you bleeding wanker, burn! love the last line, anything with wanker in, works well for me .