Writer at work [naughty word warning]

[Nick]

You seem to have rushed this piece, indicated by the lack of apostrophes.[b]Piece is written by narrator who is awake for the third consecutive night typing away at his work (are you familiar with "The Cantos"?) and any regard for punctuation has been superseded by headlong desire to reach a stopping point before the body succumbs to exhaustion.

This piece would benefit from more 'interesting' word choices for what you're trying to describe. e.g. blurred (see suggestions below).

Because you've decided to use colloquialisms and phonetic spelling of words, I suggest you have some dialogue, and perhaps try to set a 'scene.'[/b]

Her tatts are blurred by wine (Her Monroe tatt stained crimson blonde, a red wine evening)
She kinda smells like cat piss

I tap on the butcher papered typer This reads awkwardly. I'm not sure what you're saying so I can't offer a suggestion.For an understanding of "butcher papered typer" I suggest you Wiki "On the Road" and scroll down to the heading "Production and publication".
as the rooms bulb dances from the cord room's
(fucking trains)

My rig is darted in the wall I'm not sure what a rig is :/hypodermic syringe
Won't need it anymore, finally met God

Ashtrays everywhere
All overfilled Overfilled ashtrays, everywhere
That babe can sure suck some butt

Gotta finish this piece
Get some sack time
Tomorrows horror dawns early Tomorrow's

I appreciate your comments and thank you for them.

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A nicely original, but problematic piece.

"tatts" I'm assuming "tats" whether tattoos or lace dollies I am unsure. Most of the other problems I have with this have already been noted.


Dale

Your assumption is correct and they are of the heavy black ink variety owing to the use of a tatt gun made up of a ball point pen tube, a guitar string and a tape recorder motor.

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Nick, one thing I do like here is using the heroin rig as a dart to stick in the wall. It's one of the cooler lines in the piece. It also makes a slight Lenny Bruce reference with the God thing in the next line. It reminds me of Bruce's comment on his heroin addiction,"I'll die young, but it's like kissing God."

This rig was used for crank not smack. Okay, okay- speed not heroin. Didn't know Lenny said that. Saw him in a film. He was on fire. Lou Reed once sang that it made him feel just like Jesus' son (Heroin song written by Lou in 1964). But I wander- thanks for your reactions.

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Her tatts are blurred by wine I enjoyed this line
She kinda smells like cat piss Which one? haha

I tap on the butcher papered typer Reads a bit awkward, I think it could use some adjusting
as the rooms bulb dances from the cord room's* also enjoyed this line
(fucking trains)

My rig is darted in the wall Not sure what you mean by rig, making ready/assembling? oil rig? a device? a person's costume? rigging of like a machine or some sort?
Won't need it anymore, finally met God

Ashtrays everywhere
All overfilled What else is around?
That babe can sure suck some butt Rather humorous haha

Gotta finish this piece You could always come back to it, more productive work happens that way sometimes
Get some sack time Plays on the cliche of hitting the sack for sleep, not terrible but I'm sure there's another way to get this point across, or just evoke it without stating it
Tomorrows fresh horror dawns early Tomorrow's*

Missed a couple punctuations, and I think you could loose a few details from some of your imagery and not a whole lot with change. The typewriter and the light bulb already implied you were in a room, so you can drop "room" from that line. That goes for the second line, we learned from the first line you are talking about a woman, you don't need to say "she kinda smells.." you could say something like a stench of cat piss fills the air or a redolence of cat piss. Hope these comments/suggestions help!

Some of your questions have been addressed in other responses.
I see you saw the lighthearted level I was puttin' this out on.
Bravo, mate.