Remember the Sun

[ChristopherSea]

Hi tigrflye, some thoughts about your poem:

I walk through black sludge
that clings to my feet with grit,
bites my weary sole, *if referring to feet, make it soles, unless you mean soul, but that would be a bad pun*
and implores me to relent.

The gray clouds convulse,
churning anger and sorrow
to pelt my soft flesh,
and wash all color away. *hence, the black and white*

Dull lightning appears.
Charcoal streaks the oily sky,
soundless and lonely,
forsaken without thunder. *lonely, forsaken is redundant, maybe something like ‘silenced’

Softly, I whisper
appeals that might go unheard.
For months unending,
tomorrow will be today.

Trudge on sluggish knees
across despair black as crows. *this has become cliché. (dark, ebony, blank, colorless as crows or anything other than black)*
No, I will not cry:
I still remember the sun.


Hi tigrflye. I like the shades of gray herein. I would change the title, so as to not give away the punchline. I find all caps a bit troublesome for readers, yes I know, all the masters did it, which makes it archaic as well. I actually had to change them to give you a fair read. Nonetheless, I like this sketch in charcoals with that promise of color at the end. Nice job! Hope this helps in some fashion. All the best in poetry./Chris