First
#6
(10-04-2013, 03:43 PM)FractalPacifist Wrote:  Is a content warning necessary in this one? I put it up anyway just in case.

First

Hold the sphere in your hand, lips parted,
and sink into the untarnished shine,
a verdant surface bursting with sour juices,
before turning to pasty mulch between your teeth.

After that, the fruit is left for mangling;
slice it up, dip it in peanut butter
to disguise the fact that you don't like the taste.
Strip it to the core, toss it in the compost bin,
leave it to molder into next year's crops.

The seeds lose their star-shaped pattern,
collapse into a heap in the back of your mind,
lingering like the bits of skin between your teeth and the juices
that dried onto your cracked lips long
after the last kiss came to moisten them.

You'll try a different kind of apple - Braeburn perhaps,
a mottled surface more suited to your senses.
Meander through the produce section before settling
on something that fills the void at the back of your tongue.

Throwing the new apple into a batch of turnovers,
you open the oven and release the smells
of cinnamon and sugar, warmth creeping to the couch
where your dog plays and you curl up
after pouring a glass of hard cider and switching
into something a little more comfortable.
I didn't catch onto to the warning need, the language is fine. If you are referring to a young lady having her 'pome eaten', you don't need a warning. Smile I enjoyed the poem and extended metaphor. I found some puntuation omissions as indicated in red. 'Switching' sounded odd in place of 'changing', but you may be trying to avoid being cliche and/or imploying double meaning. Also, the breaks here may not be the best:

lingering like the bits of skin between your teeth and the juices
that dried onto your cracked lips long
after the last kiss came to moisten them.

maybe this would work better:

lingering like the bits of skin between your teeth
and the juices that dried onto your cracked lips
long after the last kiss came to moisten them.

See what you think. Nice work!/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Reply


Messages In This Thread
First - by FractalPacifist - 10-04-2013, 03:43 PM
RE: (content warning) First - by Todd - 10-04-2013, 09:26 PM
RE: (content warning) First - by FractalPacifist - 10-05-2013, 01:30 AM
RE: First - by Jeffrey Gibson - 10-06-2013, 12:03 AM
RE: First - by FractalPacifist - 10-07-2013, 01:31 PM
RE: First - by ChristopherSea - 10-07-2013, 10:42 PM



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