10-04-2013, 04:12 PM
Wow. At the risk of just posting "I like this," the fact remains that I've pretty much got nothing but positive comments for this piece. Love the literary references, love the simplicity. I took a stab at critiquing anyway - I hope it's at least somewhat helpful.
(10-04-2013, 11:23 AM)Todd Wrote: This isn't the first time
you've evacuated children.
Before the bomb, we were safe
inside closets of snowy forest
with our talking lion; love the reference and the jarring (in a good way) switch in the next line.
the beast always talks.
We were much the same
as those before. I feel, content-wise, this sentence is necessary. However, it's the only part I can say sounds a little stilted.
We collected sea shells, danced
to the heartbeat of the world,
and dreamed of our parents'
tables, when hungry, the way this blends into the next line is brilliant.
we ate pig.
-Lexi