A dove and a man
#5
(06-02-2013, 11:24 PM)Sonata Wrote:  He watched the earth
and His eyes were filled with fear
How can love and joy that easily dissapear
They dream of wings; they dream of skies
Why would a man want that disguise?
They always desired to follow Daedalus's steps

Why are people so shallow?
After so many years you still are so callow!
Can't you see?
You are bound to earth, you can't break free!

And, near the man who desired a disguise
Strolls a beautiful dove
Who, with her glorious wings, was meant to rise
Though She never could have
All her life she wept for this moment
A walk on the earth;
A dream of her own

And he still looks for them
His eyes still have not forgotten the fear
But he knows why aren't they satisfied
They are not themselves and they search for truth
For something they hold dear
Which will forever be
their eternal youth
Sonata,
You are not using this site in the spirit it was intended. You have posted this in the Serious Workshopping Forum without even a cursory glance at the rules.
You are not GIVING feedback yet you expect the crits to correct your "work" at a very basic level. This is not a Homework Correction Facility.
Go away, READ THIS OUT LOUD, correct basic spelling (dissapear), cut out all forced rhymes ( shallow/callow) or ALL rhymes to be consistent, decide whether or not you are going to punctuate, sort out your random capitalising (he,He,his,her, She), correct your word use ( His eyes still have not forgotten the fear But he knows why aren't they satisfied...huh!)
When you have done all that, give some other poster the benefit of your collected wisdom before reposting in the forum which you think most suits your requirements. Please take these comments as advice but react to them as a warning...I have given you help in the past but other mods may not look so kindly on you.
Best,
tectak
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Messages In This Thread
A dove and a man - by Sonata - 06-02-2013, 11:24 PM
RE: A dove and a man - by Sonata - 06-11-2013, 02:02 AM
RE: A dove and a man - by Brownlie - 06-11-2013, 08:37 AM
RE: A dove and a man - by Leanne - 10-03-2013, 07:19 AM
RE: A dove and a man - by tectak - 10-03-2013, 07:40 PM
RE: A dove and a man - by Erthona - 10-03-2013, 07:50 PM



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