Bloodletting

[tectak]

I want to collapse,
and seep between atoms
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before
sinking to vaporous oceans.

I want nature to scream, and
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree.

Smear me across a thousand miles.
I want to be windswept,
and faceless.

I want nothing,
and everything.

I want disintegration.

Exhale —

Hi make,
The critique on this piece has been justifiably favourable. There are no glaringly obvious areas where improvements could, or should, be made. Notwithstanding the incantation much voiced by bena to trust her there are more reasons to trust yourself than any of the crits, because you have demonstrated an understanding of the poetic endeavour. Where is this going? Well, I am teleporting you to the Serious Workshopping forum. Not because you will get a more severe mauling in that other place, but because your poetry in this instance is an example to others who wish to write "seriously good" poetry.
Of course, if you do not feel comfortable in the Serious forum, just say.
Best,
tectak

---

I want to collapse, Strictly no comma necessary here. You have a line end plus a conjunction...that is quite enough
and seep between atoms
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before you are comparing by simile "seep"and "shifting". Change "shifting" to "shifts" and get bonus assonance
sinking to vaporous oceans. Read it out loud and tell me that oceans is better than seas

I want nature to scream, and never enjamb on a weak word...and "and" is the weakest.
"I want nature to scream
and strike me with lightning
so that I might split
like a backyard tree.
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree.

Smear me across a thousand miles.
I want to be windswept,
and faceless. You lose rhythm here. There is an unatural breakdown in structure which is not pronounced enough to indicate intentionality. The next two lines are so isolated as to be inconsequential You could bring the thought home. Your poem:
"Smear me across a thousand miles;
I need to be everywhere.
I want to be windswept and faceless;
nothing yet everything."

As I said, your poem.



I want nothing,
and everything.

I want disintegration.

Exhale — Excellent ending but I have no idea what the dash is for

Hi mak,
A poem to be proud of. My suggestions are just that...suggestions. Never trust the crits Take from others what you can use and lose the rest. No one will be offended except milo but he is a very sensitive savant.
Best,
tectak

---

For a very first poem, I must say this has to be practically genius. Trust me, I have read many many first poems and they usually make me violently ill. I just have to applaud you on this. It's obvious to me that you have extreme natural talent that just needs to be honed a bit. You must have read lots of "good" poetry before ever attempting your own, or this poem wouldn't be so damn good.
EDIT: all the first part is wrong due to my misreading, see below.

You already have some great advice. I disagree with Todd about the atom thing....I love it! Let's not dumb down poetry!

But I AGREE with him about the "and" line break.....the enjambment does not work here as it doesn't seem to serve a purpose.

First stanza (you might see S1---that's what it means) has glorious imagery. I was right there with you.

S2---the splitting tree is just brilliant.

Ending is sad, but appropriate.

I don't do glowing reviews often, trust me, I'm the mean harsh woman, so you really have something here.

BUT freaking hate the title!!!! It's so emo!!!! I almost didn't read because of it, and that would have been a shame.
I have a suggestion, because I happen to love the word....how about "deliquesce"

It sticks with the theme of science/nature and it is a beautiful word, isn't it.

I've rambled on enough. Welcome to the Pen...I truly hope to see more from you.



bena


EDIT: sorry, I misread your statement and thought this was your first poem (not the first one you are proud of)---but all my ramblings still stand, this is good. You have every right to be proud!!

Ahhhh, bena.....you old coprinus, you! Trouble with "deliquesce" is that in organic matters it is of decay. I like the title, but "Sublimating" might satisfy you!
Best both,
tectak