10-03-2013, 03:16 AM
OP
Stanza 1
One does not usually weave one's way through a horizon of anything. Something might be said to be on the horizon, but to say weaving it's way through the horizon makes little sense to me. The phrase "horizon of normalcy" doesn't really work as one does not modify the other in any useful way. "painted senses" almost makes sense, if meant beholding the unique colors that sometimes happen at sunrise, still it could use some fleshing out. But how does the "morning start weave its way...with the rush and murmur of asphalt"? A car might weave it's way with the rush and murmur of asphalt, but I don't see how this applies to the morning star unless it is a car.
Stanza 2
The only thing wrong with this stanza is a tense problem. "Stood" should be "stand". Aside from that I wish S1 and S3 were this clear.
Stanza 3 Basically a repeat of S1, you have things doing things that they can't, and that make no sense to do.
"ceaseless echoes with their past warnings is me not listening to my parents as they tell me not to forget this, this, etc."
I doubt anyone would ever divine this from what you have written.
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Too often you create vague non-functioning images that convey little meaning. First they need to make sense within themselves, and then they need to be attached in some concrete way to that which you are trying to metaphorize. Example: I have no idea what the morning star is suppose to represent, is it you, is it the car or bus you are riding in to go to school, is it your lunch box. I don't know, and there is really no way for me to tell. If it is you, what does it mean metaphorically for you to weave your way with the rush and murmur of asphalt. What action or characteristics of the person are equivalent to this. There has to be a reasonable connection between the metaphor and what is being metaphorize, or else you are just creating nonsense.
Dale
.
Stanza 1
One does not usually weave one's way through a horizon of anything. Something might be said to be on the horizon, but to say weaving it's way through the horizon makes little sense to me. The phrase "horizon of normalcy" doesn't really work as one does not modify the other in any useful way. "painted senses" almost makes sense, if meant beholding the unique colors that sometimes happen at sunrise, still it could use some fleshing out. But how does the "morning start weave its way...with the rush and murmur of asphalt"? A car might weave it's way with the rush and murmur of asphalt, but I don't see how this applies to the morning star unless it is a car.
Stanza 2
The only thing wrong with this stanza is a tense problem. "Stood" should be "stand". Aside from that I wish S1 and S3 were this clear.
Stanza 3 Basically a repeat of S1, you have things doing things that they can't, and that make no sense to do.
"ceaseless echoes with their past warnings is me not listening to my parents as they tell me not to forget this, this, etc."
I doubt anyone would ever divine this from what you have written.
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Too often you create vague non-functioning images that convey little meaning. First they need to make sense within themselves, and then they need to be attached in some concrete way to that which you are trying to metaphorize. Example: I have no idea what the morning star is suppose to represent, is it you, is it the car or bus you are riding in to go to school, is it your lunch box. I don't know, and there is really no way for me to tell. If it is you, what does it mean metaphorically for you to weave your way with the rush and murmur of asphalt. What action or characteristics of the person are equivalent to this. There has to be a reasonable connection between the metaphor and what is being metaphorize, or else you are just creating nonsense.
Dale
.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.