Simon in the Land of Chalk Outlines (Revision 3)

[ChristopherSea]

The lines would shiver as they grew.
The sky so cold, the world sublime
the things I draw come true.
One time, I sketched a girl I knew
with hands of silken mime
The lines would shiver as they grew
a whisper of heat withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb
the things I draw come true.
I began one, then she drew two:
a people touched by grime.
The lines would shiver as they grew
prostrate my worship due
amidst the chants, the bells that chime.
The things I draw come true.
So, on this slate, I start anew
erase the past; my crime.
The lines would shiver when they grew,
the things I draw come true.

~~~
This is a revision from an earlier thread here

I got great advice from a number of people, but owe a debt to milo to even get this far. I don't think its done yet so I'm reposting.

It's usually sour grapes for those that despise the Villanelle. If you can't write one, you hate them. To me, it's the equivalent of saying, I hate music because they have choruses and repeat themselves a lot and have so little to say, NOT... As it is based on folk song, they both sing and dance for the reader, while the braided repeats strengthen the sense of both. It's like a lovely waltz when done right.

Alright, enough editorializing and on to your piece: What you pulled off is a rather disguised Villanelle poem that does not blatantly exploit the form with hard stops at the end of each line. Additonally, you pulled off a skillful use of enjambment of continuous lines. You also selected soft rhymes in ‘ew’ and ‘ime’ verses ones that can exhibit onomataopeia like ‘ish’ or ‘ash’ or harder ‘ide’s and ‘ight’s. In doing so, your Villanelle did not seem to sing and dance with the full potential of the form. This may have been deliberate on your part. Some of the loss of lyrical character may have been due in part to the single stanza structure, but perhaps the two syllable difference in the keystone repeats ( 8 vs. 6). Maybe ‘The things that I draw become true’? or something like it, would help the flow for me.

I thought of the cartoon Winky-Dink, where the story stopped and the viewer was to draw the kid out of trouble on a transparent screen applied to the TV screen. Many parents did not buy the screen for their sets and their little rats drew right on the TV itself in markers or crayon!

I'll have to post a Villanelle now!