10-01-2013, 09:49 PM
For a very first poem, I must say this has to be practically genius. Trust me, I have read many many first poems and they usually make me violently ill. I just have to applaud you on this. It's obvious to me that you have extreme natural talent that just needs to be honed a bit. You must have read lots of "good" poetry before ever attempting your own, or this poem wouldn't be so damn good.
EDIT: all the first part is wrong due to my misreading, see below.
You already have some great advice. I disagree with Todd about the atom thing....I love it! Let's not dumb down poetry!
But I AGREE with him about the "and" line break.....the enjambment does not work here as it doesn't seem to serve a purpose.
First stanza (you might see S1---that's what it means) has glorious imagery. I was right there with you.
S2---the splitting tree is just brilliant.
Ending is sad, but appropriate.
I don't do glowing reviews often, trust me, I'm the mean harsh woman, so you really have something here.
BUT freaking hate the title!!!! It's so emo!!!! I almost didn't read because of it, and that would have been a shame.
I have a suggestion, because I happen to love the word....how about "deliquesce"
It sticks with the theme of science/nature and it is a beautiful word, isn't it.
I've rambled on enough. Welcome to the Pen...I truly hope to see more from you.
bena
EDIT: sorry, I misread your statement and thought this was your first poem (not the first one you are proud of)---but all my ramblings still stand, this is good. You have every right to be proud!!
EDIT: all the first part is wrong due to my misreading, see below.
You already have some great advice. I disagree with Todd about the atom thing....I love it! Let's not dumb down poetry!
But I AGREE with him about the "and" line break.....the enjambment does not work here as it doesn't seem to serve a purpose.
First stanza (you might see S1---that's what it means) has glorious imagery. I was right there with you.
S2---the splitting tree is just brilliant.
Ending is sad, but appropriate.
I don't do glowing reviews often, trust me, I'm the mean harsh woman, so you really have something here.
BUT freaking hate the title!!!! It's so emo!!!! I almost didn't read because of it, and that would have been a shame.
I have a suggestion, because I happen to love the word....how about "deliquesce"
It sticks with the theme of science/nature and it is a beautiful word, isn't it.
I've rambled on enough. Welcome to the Pen...I truly hope to see more from you.
bena
EDIT: sorry, I misread your statement and thought this was your first poem (not the first one you are proud of)---but all my ramblings still stand, this is good. You have every right to be proud!!