10-01-2013, 08:19 AM
I have no issue with a deity being female, having Cherokee blood with religious influences such as the Sun being a female Goddess....it wasn't a distraction to me, but you might want to weigh it for other people.
I think your revision is fantastic, and I was going to add my rambling nonsense to it, but you've really fine tuned it without me just wonderfully. Great job.
bena
Edit: After re-reading (and trust me, I'll read it tons) I personally would like a line break on the very first line after spike....it just be me, it's a thing about the way the page looks, not necessarily the phrasing. Ignore me if you wish.
This bit of line:
"turn down
or off or out," remind me of the beatles, and that is a very good thing. Still admiring.
I think your revision is fantastic, and I was going to add my rambling nonsense to it, but you've really fine tuned it without me just wonderfully. Great job.
bena
Edit: After re-reading (and trust me, I'll read it tons) I personally would like a line break on the very first line after spike....it just be me, it's a thing about the way the page looks, not necessarily the phrasing. Ignore me if you wish.
This bit of line:
"turn down
or off or out," remind me of the beatles, and that is a very good thing. Still admiring.