Remember the Sun

[ellajam]

Hi, tigr, I really enjoyed your edit. I think your small changes really improved the poem and smoothed out places that were rough in the original. Great job of not changing too much.

I'm also a fan of 5,7 lines, and struggle with adding extra words for the sake of the form. I would love to see you address some of Leanne's other points, black crows and for at the end. I think you have the potential to come up with something that works.

Thanks for the read.

Edited:
I walk through black sludge
That clings to my feet with grit,
Bites my weary sole,
And implores me to relent.

The gray clouds convulse,
Churning anger and sorrow
To pelt my soft flesh,
And wash all color away. 

Dull lightning appears.
Charcoal streaks the oily sky,
Soundless and lonely,
Forsaken without thunder.

Softly, I whisper
Appeals that might go unheard.
For months unending,
Tomorrow will be today.

Trudge on sluggish knees
Across despair black as crows.
No, I will not cry:
For I remember the sun.

Original:
I walk through black sludge
That clings to my feet with haste,
Bites my weary sole,
And beckons me to relent.

The gray clouds simmer,
Churning anger and sorrow
To pelt my soft flesh,
And wash all color away.

Dull lightning appears.
Charcoal streaks the oily sky,
Soundless and lonely,
Forsaken without thunder.

Softly, I whisper
Appeals that might go unheard.
For months unending,
Tomorrow will be today.

Trudge on sluggish knees
Across despair black as crows.
No, I will not cry,
For I remember the sun.