09-28-2013, 07:28 AM
Leanne,
I love your critique. Thank you so much. I do honestly want your opinion. Any and all opinions.
So far, my sludge entity, in my imagination is going to keep its menacing ability to claw, gesture, bite and possibly curse. Haha.But I am willing to slow it down. Fast sludge would be just crazy. Haha.. replacing haste..with.. grit? (Like determination)
Also, I do hear you about simmer and churn. Perhaps seethe and churn go together better?
I was trying to break away from rhyme. This is my first (somewhat finished) non rhyming poem. I instead went for a 5 syllable, 7 syllable, 5 syllable frame which makes it a bit more difficult to just drop the "for".
Yes, you are very right about "despair black as crows" being a bit cliche.. sigh. I discarded black as night. Black as ink. Black as..? Death? Space? I settled with crows because they represent all that is bleak and that is possibly not the right choice. Maybe it will come to me miraculously. Or if you have an opinion on a replacement one-syllable word, please share. (Death, space, hell, hate, doom)
I love your critique. Thank you so much. I do honestly want your opinion. Any and all opinions.
So far, my sludge entity, in my imagination is going to keep its menacing ability to claw, gesture, bite and possibly curse. Haha.But I am willing to slow it down. Fast sludge would be just crazy. Haha.. replacing haste..with.. grit? (Like determination)
Also, I do hear you about simmer and churn. Perhaps seethe and churn go together better?
I was trying to break away from rhyme. This is my first (somewhat finished) non rhyming poem. I instead went for a 5 syllable, 7 syllable, 5 syllable frame which makes it a bit more difficult to just drop the "for".
Yes, you are very right about "despair black as crows" being a bit cliche.. sigh. I discarded black as night. Black as ink. Black as..? Death? Space? I settled with crows because they represent all that is bleak and that is possibly not the right choice. Maybe it will come to me miraculously. Or if you have an opinion on a replacement one-syllable word, please share. (Death, space, hell, hate, doom)