09-26-2013, 12:00 PM
This piece goes from disgusting to downright nasty as it rapidly envelopes the reader Svan, just like the aggressive arthropods themselves! Nice job and I like the alliteration. I tell people that we have fire ants in New England, but they don't believe me. I have experienced this menace, here and in Florida. Your poem is vivid and effective.
Pheromone is misspelled and sounds better as a noun, as it should be. My second critique would be on the seemingly random line breaks or enjambment used that doesn't serve the poetry or the drama herein. Perhaps follow the natural line breaks or create more suspense with aptly placed ones. Something like:
My reckless foot
uncovers butter-hued caviar,
cached in chambered soil.
Thorn-jawed soldiers advance,
their mound blushing.
Imbued with pheromone rage,
the garnet pseudopod
swarms up my leg
and wreaks a stinging pox.
This scientist/artist/poet liked your piece a lot
/Chris
Pheromone is misspelled and sounds better as a noun, as it should be. My second critique would be on the seemingly random line breaks or enjambment used that doesn't serve the poetry or the drama herein. Perhaps follow the natural line breaks or create more suspense with aptly placed ones. Something like:
My reckless foot
uncovers butter-hued caviar,
cached in chambered soil.
Thorn-jawed soldiers advance,
their mound blushing.
Imbued with pheromone rage,
the garnet pseudopod
swarms up my leg
and wreaks a stinging pox.
This scientist/artist/poet liked your piece a lot
/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris