09-26-2013, 07:52 AM
Welcome to the site!
Enjoyed the read. It had a sense of location and nice concrete detail.
The call outs for me are the line breaks (and, the, Beale, on). There were a few others too. You missed some opportunities to play with some of the lines, but mostly the breaks seemed haphazard and didn't add much in some cases.
I also was not a fan of "lone streetlight of desire". The of constructions of this type feel a bit forced and melodramtic. They lose the emotional build up.
That said, I liked some of phrasing quite a bit: chipped eggshell steps, starlight nets weaved into new constellations, her longing-song played.
It's a good draft. It can be developed. I hope some of this was helpful.
Best,
Todd
Enjoyed the read. It had a sense of location and nice concrete detail.
The call outs for me are the line breaks (and, the, Beale, on). There were a few others too. You missed some opportunities to play with some of the lines, but mostly the breaks seemed haphazard and didn't add much in some cases.
I also was not a fan of "lone streetlight of desire". The of constructions of this type feel a bit forced and melodramtic. They lose the emotional build up.
That said, I liked some of phrasing quite a bit: chipped eggshell steps, starlight nets weaved into new constellations, her longing-song played.
It's a good draft. It can be developed. I hope some of this was helpful.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson