Mentor: Pomology

[Todd]

Hi AJ, let's start with some basic ideas.

Not that I have a lot of experience formally mentoring someone, but I do have some basic opinions on the topic. Here's my stance (I've posted along these lines before I'll modify and repost to begin our discussion):

Things to think about in no particular order:

1) Before rewriting anything, you need to ask yourself what do you want the reader to leave the poem feeling or thinking? What impact are you looking to have? You need to build the poem toward that end.

2) Look at your opening lines do they fall flat, or do they draw the reader in?

3) Does every word do something eliminate all filler. In prose and poetry, we have three basic elements they're tied into the foundation of sentences--I do allow for fragments though. (I'm not a scholar so there might be more ): Propositional Content, Word Choice, Syntax (word order).

Poetry is about taking control of all three elements.

Why this content? Why this word? Why this order?

The goal will not be to make this poem a great poem (though that may happen). The goal is process over poetry. We want you to get a handle on your creative process, and be able to make it do what you want it to do.

We are going to work from result back to concept. What is the result you want? Does this structure, content, diction, imagery, etc support that result.

You may be really different from me AJ. I get an idea. I find a first line to get me going, and a lot of the writing is just a creative burst (assuming it isn't stillborn). The rest is the editing. I'd like to work on that process.

A couple comments on the poem to get us started:

Love the title, the eden reference, and the idea of cultivating that goes along with it. You've chosen a rich vein of imagery that you can tap.

Could you let me know what you want to leave the reader with thoughts and/or feelings?

You wrote this some time ago, so you should be able to read as the reader and not the writer. Objectively, walk me through what you we're trying to do in each strophe--just the rough idea.

Your introductory phrase points to Genesis 1, and I like that with the title. How effective is your opening line?

We'll go further, but let's take this in chunks.

Hopefully, this type of thing works for you. If instead there is any particular area you'd like to focus on, we can start there (or get to it later).

Final thing: Beyond this poem. What do you want to get out of this?

Thanks, I look forward to working with you.

Best,

Todd

Ok here was the poem from misc I mentioned. Now i look at it in cold blood I think there was a good reason why it only had the one comment. But I guess this just means there will be plenty to discuss concerning how it might be re-worked / improved.


Pomology.

In the beginning, from Alma Ata,
the seed of life branched out.
Birthed in a garden, borne on willing arms,
fed by abundant springs. Vented portent.

Outstanding in the forest. In the wild woods
of Kazakhstan, on the ridges of the Tian
Shan mountains. The mother tree
bears her load. Noted and worthy ascent.

The softest bloom, the sweetest shade,
Sturdy, yet often bent by adverse wind.
Support for the weary. Collected by kings,
still fit for the pauper to pick. Autumn advent.

From blushing bloom, to sweet succour,
a sight to feast the eyes. The fragrance
of the forest in fall time, fermenting,
is unlike any other. A prime event.

Pungent, aromas assault your senses.
Pears, plums and apricots are noted.
From the fecund heart, thickets of apples
radiate out in all directions. Developing scent.

From that first fruit in Eden, ear
to eye, lip parting. Taken to heart;
the flesh pierced, skinned consumed.
The seed – discarded. Unwanted fragment.

The fallen seed has need of nebulous
navigation, to fulfil the final abrogation.
The plan, seeded from a founding tree, one word
before the descent, one bite to implement.

And when the sun is finally done; from East
west a forest of fruitful trees will line the road…
…from here to eternity. The final event.