Magnetic Beasts (Edit 2)

[ChristopherSea]

Edit 2

He found his way inside,
gnawed on my mind and crawled my buttons.
An insidious worm
tunnelling through my brain,
leaving tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.

He drank my spinal fluid,
slurped it in with a greedy grin
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He spilled his insides
through his mouth into mine;
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall.
They slowly pierced me from inside,
left deep circular holes.

The triplets died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blended with the marks I grew
from past failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn magnetic curtains.


Edit 1

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin,
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop,
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall.
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.


Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

The newest edit 2 reads a lot cleaner and less ambiguous for me. Nice job Louise!/Chris