09-22-2013, 12:03 AM
All the rhymes get in the way. They don't do much but distract, like the wordiness distracts. Eyes did close, indeed, I know. All those things seem stuck on to bounce around, rhyme to rhyme.
And even so, and in her ill, behind my eyes I see her leer,
Her chilling coughs, her body shivers, more than a cold her body wrack
Those lines are good examples of what's wrong with this poem. You should slow down and consider what you're saying.
Though in your defense, dreams sometimes write these near senseless things.
And even so, and in her ill, behind my eyes I see her leer,
Her chilling coughs, her body shivers, more than a cold her body wrack
Those lines are good examples of what's wrong with this poem. You should slow down and consider what you're saying.
Though in your defense, dreams sometimes write these near senseless things.