Starved

[ChristopherSea]

(Edit 11/2)

Hi, welcome to the site YazH. Some thoughts on your piece:

Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clings to its mother 'gnaws' and 'clings' are not alike, do you mean:
Hunger clings to the bones
Like a bratty child to its mother
Moldy hair with the stink of sweat 'moldy' and 'sweat' don't really compliment one another. Try something like, 'Mildewed' hair with the stink of 'dampness'
Their dusty skin soldered with dirt 'dust/dirt' can't 'solder', but metal does
The groans of smoke in the air how about reversing, 'the air groans from the smoke'
Echo along the bricked walls
Obscuring every exit,
Smelling of sweet tangerine,
Seducing lost wanderers period
This is no asylum.

Twitters of spider legs what's a twitter, are the 'legs' online? 'twitches' would serve better
The scratching of the joking mistress: (Grating) scratch the 'scratching' and move 'grating' and 'laughter': 'Laughter of the joking mistress grated'
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the “music of voice” that only he can hear. we can't hear the "music of voice" either, what is it, why the quotes?

The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges where only light can follow I like this

Her only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
She aches. Missing her moment. and this

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy? the hungry hunger for nothing for what could satisfy who with what?? perhaps clarify!!


Who have a lot of editing to do. What are you really trying to say? Condense this to make your point. You didn't wreck it, but you need to do more to improve it.


[/b]Eeek! I feel like I either improved it alot or destroyed it -__-. I kind of wanted to change out scratching to grating buuuutt I already added, deleted, replaced like half of it, and yeah. And then, that "Laughing" line. I have no idea what to do with it but I don't want to get rid of it either. Thoughts to think.


(Original Posting)
Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean.

The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance
This is no asylum.

The twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress
Laughing without rhyme and reason
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the music of voice that only he can hear.

The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow

The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears.

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy?


*******

It's a part of collection I'm writing. It has to do with unattractive imagery maybe a touch of insanity.

I know there are many issues with my writing but I wanted to kind of learn more about how the forum works through this. So,
FIRST POST, completed