09-20-2013, 06:01 PM
The one thing that bothers me about the revision is the personal pronoun "their" in the first stanza with no clear idea of who "they" are. (Yes, I'm a grammar freak)
Usually, a personal possessive pronoun such as this would go back to the nearest noun, but that's obviously not you what want in this case. In fact "the" bones, then "their" skin bothers me, I'd rather it be consistent even if you don't introduce me to subjects for these pronouns to belong to.
You are definitely headed in the right direction and it's getting much stronger. Now we just need to change that title (too drab, boring)
even something like emaciation would liven things up.
Good workshopping going on.
bena
Usually, a personal possessive pronoun such as this would go back to the nearest noun, but that's obviously not you what want in this case. In fact "the" bones, then "their" skin bothers me, I'd rather it be consistent even if you don't introduce me to subjects for these pronouns to belong to.
You are definitely headed in the right direction and it's getting much stronger. Now we just need to change that title (too drab, boring)
even something like emaciation would liven things up.
Good workshopping going on.
bena