One Night (edit #2)

[ellajam]

Now I see why you didn't understand the break on skipped. It needs to suggest at first that they could be skipping.

huddling
getaway planned, they skipped
the town fireworks


Of course, if I am reading it wonder what a "huddling getaway" is but that could just be me . . .

Etc.

Aaarrrgggghhhh (it is national speak like a pirate day, says the "news")

Original:
huddling
they planned their getaway

I was looking for an image of heads together, whispering, making a plan. Maybe they conspired, but I originally thought huddling was more visual.

aaaarrrrgggghhhhh

huddling,
getaway planned, they skipped
small town fireworks
headed for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

It lets me put small back in. Maybe. Is it a given "no punctuation or all"? I always used it willy-nilly, do I have to now add commas and periods throughout?

You can do whatever you want, it's your poem but you should have a reason for your choice. I am curious how you think eliminating punctuation helps this poem.

ha, good question. For this poem, I have to think about. I think I always use punctuation only when necessary the same way I like to use the minimum of words (though obviously not minimal enough based on all the notes). I'm not saying this is a smart move, just the way I've done it. I'll try some punctuation and see how it goes.