Magnetic Beasts (Edit 2)

[ChristopherSea]

Cool poem Louise! You have a lot of feedback, so I am just going to look at the new edit;

Edit 1
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons, period
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.) This opening stanza is too busy for me and has some contradiction. 'gnawed' on 'mind' and 'buttons'. Perhaps 'gnawed on my mind' and 'crawled many buttons'. Then you have the combo of 'gnawed', 'digging', 'laying' and 'pull'. That's too many action verbs. Maybe 'tunneling' for 'digging tunnels' and 'constructing tiny tracks' would clarify and smooth. Also 'pull' wires unintetionally conflicts with the buttons which are normally 'pushed'. The wires could be 'crossed'

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin, slurped 'them in' for fluids or keep 'it', but change to 'fluid' which is better (to this scientist), as there is only a single fluid in the spine
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July. love this line and image

He disgorged his insides 'extended' may sound better
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop, period
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall. nice and gross!
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves, awkward phrasing, maybe 'were born' and delete 'themselves'
leaving deep, circular holes. remove comma

The triplets of course died eventually don't need 'of course' with 'eventually'
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains. don't need this comma

It's coming along, see if these help. Thanks for the creep-out!

Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

---

I enjoyed this piece. It's original and slightly chaotic while retaining a sense new age fairy tale, kind of what I would expect if the Brothers Grimm were contemporary.

That being said, I feel as if "he" is overused. Not only does the reader have no idea who"he" is, the first three strophes begin with that pronoun and then in the fourth you completely switch hit with a resolution of sorts. I don't think S1 L7 is necessary. You wrote that he gnawed and dug, the pulling doesn't make much sense. S4 could be tighter by removing "of course" in L1 and changing L3 to " blended with the marks I grew".

Thanks for the read.

Thanks a lot for your kind words, Aish. And of course your helpful feedback. I’ve been pondering a lot on whether or not to keep S1 L7. The whole stanza itself needs some work to make it more coherent. I’ve read your suggestion about S4 out loud several times and it does sound tighter. Thanks again.
Best,
Louise

---

I have stumbled upon this late in the game but just wanted to stop by and say that I really liked this piece. Even more than when I thought it said "magnetic breasts" ---which is something else all together.

Thanks a lot, I'm glad you liked it. Love your misread of the title

---

Cool poem Louise! You have a loy of feedback, so I am just going to look at the new edit;

Edit 1
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons, period
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.) This opening stanza is too busy for me and has some contradiction. 'gnawed' on 'mind' and 'buttons'. Perhaps 'gnawed on my mind' and 'crawled many buttons'. Then you have the combo of 'gnawed', 'digging', 'laying' and 'pull'. That's too many action verbs. Maybe 'tunneling' for 'digging tunnels' and 'constructing tiny tracks' would clarify and smooth. Also 'pull' wires unintetionally conflicts with the buttons which are normally 'pushed'. They could be 'crossed'

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin, slurped 'them' in for fluids or keep 'it', but change to 'fluid' which is better to this scientist as there is only a single fluid in the spine
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July. love this line and image

He disgorged his insides 'extended' may sound better
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop, period
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall. nice and gross!
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves, 'were born', delete themselves
leaving deep, circular holes. remove comma

The triplets of course died eventually don't need 'of course' with eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains. don't need this comma

It's coming along, see if these help. Thanks for the creep-out!

Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

Thanks a lot, Chris. You’ve made a lot of good points and suggestions. They’ll be a great help for my next edit. I appreciate you taking the time
Best,
Louise

It was my pleasure and duty!