09-19-2013, 03:52 AM
Starved
Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean.
You have sure captured the unattractive imagery in this opening!
The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance <---- I feel like the and is unneeded in this line.
This is no asylum.
The twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress
Laughing without rhyme and reason
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the music of voice that only he can hear.
The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow
The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears.
The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy? <---- powerful ending.
I agree with the previous posts, there are a few to many "ands" and (irony!) (ofs) that kind of make it a bit akward to read. However fantastic imagery, it really does capture the unattractive imagery you are looking for! I look forward to more from you.
Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean.
You have sure captured the unattractive imagery in this opening!
The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance <---- I feel like the and is unneeded in this line.
This is no asylum.
The twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress
Laughing without rhyme and reason
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the music of voice that only he can hear.
The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow
The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears.
The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy? <---- powerful ending.
I agree with the previous posts, there are a few to many "ands" and (irony!) (ofs) that kind of make it a bit akward to read. However fantastic imagery, it really does capture the unattractive imagery you are looking for! I look forward to more from you.