Magnetic Beasts (Edit 2)

[ChristopherSea]

Cool poem Louise! You have a loy of feedback, so I am just going to look at the new edit;

Edit 1
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons, period
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.) This opening stanza is too busy for me and has some contradiction. 'gnawed' on 'mind' and 'buttons'. Perhaps 'gnawed on my mind' and 'crawled many buttons'. Then you have the combo of 'gnawed', 'digging', 'laying' and 'pull'. That's too many action verbs. Maybe 'tunneling' for 'digging tunnels' and 'constructing tiny tracks' would clarify and smooth. Also 'pull' wires unintetionally conflicts with the buttons which are normally 'pushed'. They could be 'crossed'

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin, slurped 'them' in for fluids or keep 'it', but change to 'fluid' which is better to this scientist as there is only a single fluid in the spine
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July. love this line and image

He disgorged his insides 'extended' may sound better
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop, period
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall. nice and gross!
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves, 'were born', delete themselves
leaving deep, circular holes. remove comma

The triplets of course died eventually don't need 'of course' with eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains. don't need this comma

It's coming along, see if these help. Thanks for the creep-out!

Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.