09-18-2013, 05:16 PM
I enjoyed this piece. It's original and slightly chaotic while retaining a sense new age fairy tale, kind of what I would expect if the Brothers Grimm were contemporary.
That being said, I feel as if "he" is overused. Not only does the reader have no idea who"he" is, the first three strophes begin with that pronoun and then in the fourth you completely switch hit with a resolution of sorts. I don't think S1 L7 is necessary. You wrote that he gnawed and dug, the pulling doesn't make much sense. S4 could be tighter by removing "of course" in L1 and changing L3 to " blended with the marks I grew".
Thanks for the read.
That being said, I feel as if "he" is overused. Not only does the reader have no idea who"he" is, the first three strophes begin with that pronoun and then in the fourth you completely switch hit with a resolution of sorts. I don't think S1 L7 is necessary. You wrote that he gnawed and dug, the pulling doesn't make much sense. S4 could be tighter by removing "of course" in L1 and changing L3 to " blended with the marks I grew".
Thanks for the read.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?