Starved

[Leanne]

First up, hi there Yaz and thanks so much for jumping in with some great participation on other threads -- we love that . Now let's take a look at this poem.

Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother -- you could try "clings" instead
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat -- I'm not sure if this is a dialect difference but I don't think I've seen "stank" as a noun before, only as the past tense of "stink".
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean. -- awkward phrasing, could be fixed with something like "that can never be cleaned" or "removed". Personally though, I think this is a lot of time to spend on building a fairly straightforward simile and it might be that this couple of lines could go.

The groans of smoke in the air -- I enjoy the synaesthesia of smoke groaning, which is continued with "echo" in the next line
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance -- maybe "obscuring" instead of "hiding", because I first misread it as "hiding in". Also, I'm not sure that "opening every entrance" is successful in conveying the idea that this is a one-way trip, as why would smoke encourage anyone to enter?
This is no asylum.

The twitters of spider legs -- you can do without "the" in this line
The scratching of the joking mistress -- but leave it in this one for variation
Laughing without rhyme and reason -- "rhyme and reason" is a cliche, to be avoided at all costs
Her friend who bangs the columns -- I don't think "who" serves any purpose
In to the music of voice that only he can hear. -- interesting idea but this is not a well-constructed line -- you end up with some slightly twisted grammar and that's dangerous ground for us simple poetry reading folk

The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow -- I really like this idea but "of which" could be replaced with "where" to make this less convoluted -- remember that poetry should be spoken aloud so it's perfectly ok to follow "speaking" grammar instead of "writing" grammar

The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears. -- you're burying some pretty images in lots of unnecessary words -- how can you say this more economically?

The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy?


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It's a part of collection I'm writing. It has to do with unattractive imagery maybe a touch of insanity.

I know there are many issues with my writing but I wanted to kind of learn more about how the forum works through this. So,
FIRST POST, completed

You have some excellent ideas but they're being lost in convoluted structures that don't really serve any purpose. Think about how to achieve maximum effect with minimum words -- which is not the same as minimalism, it's just about economy. This will get easier with practise and it's terrific to see you having a good go at it!