09-18-2013, 02:18 AM
Hunger gnaws at the bones
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean.
I like the odd way you have the first line, though it isn't seen after you post it. There's some kind of way to post it like you want though. It looks ugly, but it seems appropriate. You could say stink instead of stank. The last line, or the last two, aren't very effective; they kind of are a let down.
The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance
This is no asylum.
This stanza is weakened by the first two lines. Too many ofs so far.
The twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress
Laughing without rhyme and reason
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the music of voice that only he can hear.
More ofs. And it's becoming more fragmented, though you might want that. Disconnected, and the wording getting awkward.
The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow
Of doesn't feel right here. But what do you mean? Should it be of or for, or something else altogether?
The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears.
The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy?
The ending of the poem almost makes it. It doesn't have a strong enough lead up though. Too many ofs and awkward wording. The awkward wording might be some effect you're going for though.
Like a bratty child clinging to its mother
Moldy hair with the stank of sweat
And dusty skin with the imprints of dirt
Unable to ever be clean.
I like the odd way you have the first line, though it isn't seen after you post it. There's some kind of way to post it like you want though. It looks ugly, but it seems appropriate. You could say stink instead of stank. The last line, or the last two, aren't very effective; they kind of are a let down.
The groans of smoke in the air
Echo along the bricked walls
Hiding every exit and opening every entrance
This is no asylum.
This stanza is weakened by the first two lines. Too many ofs so far.
The twitters of spider legs
The scratching of the joking mistress
Laughing without rhyme and reason
Her friend who bangs the columns
In to the music of voice that only he can hear.
More ofs. And it's becoming more fragmented, though you might want that. Disconnected, and the wording getting awkward.
The only peace lies in the trappings of water along the bare
Edges of which only light can follow
Of doesn't feel right here. But what do you mean? Should it be of or for, or something else altogether?
The only desire of the dark lies in receding regret for the sun.
It echoes light and then disappears.
The starved hunger for nothing
For what could satisfy?
The ending of the poem almost makes it. It doesn't have a strong enough lead up though. Too many ofs and awkward wording. The awkward wording might be some effect you're going for though.