One Night (edit #2)

[milo]

Thanks milo,

huddling
planning their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks

Now it's too many ings for me. I can't lose their without exchanging it for a, no improvement?

huddling
planning their getaway
small town fireworks rejected

maybe

I don't know if you are sticking to your beloved Tanka scheme, but you could change tense:

huddled
they planned their getaway
forewent small town fireworks
dreamed of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

ha, this was written before I knew what a tanka was.

Although I complained about the word huddled before, that's got possibilities. I like forewent. Thanks.

thinking....

heh -just shows what taste can do, I was going to balk about "forwent", it feels, imo, too alien for this piece, I would go for something more comfortable like skipped.