One Night (edit #2)

[ellajam]

for me ing words, gerunds or other always seem to weaken a word the more you use the weaker a poem becomes. i wonder if huddled would work better for an opener. i'd also try and make it a tight as possible, remove anything that doesn't help.

i first got the feeling of eloping but it isn't doesn't feel like an elopement. more like have a night away from the kids. the last line hooks back to the first stanza it has a sad quality about it. and also a bit of joy

huddled
a planned getaway
......

use words that suite,[no] instead of [foregoing]

I have no prejudice for or against ing words, with the exception of loving a good fling of any sort. As a gerund it is a word of action, which to me is a good thing in a poem, it's in the moment.

Huddling can be changed to "in a huddle", but that's more words. Huddled for me brings up more "in a doorway" than on a football field.

I'm thinking.