09-17-2013, 11:57 AM
'gin is pronounced "jin" no matter how you may want it pronounced. I think that is symptomatic with what is going wrong here - the whole poem is trapped in the writer's head with no room for the reader.
Yeah, I meant to make the "gen" I just forgot.
[quote='milo' pid='139485' dateline='1379199656']
This may be one of those instances where it is better to let it sit for a bit.
'gin is pronounced "jin" no matter how you may want it pronounced. I think that is symptomatic with what is going wrong here - the whole poem is trapped in the writer's head with no room for the reader.
Well, that's interesting.
While there are some parts of the revision i liked, for the most part I found it had the same issues, many of them more pronounced, as the original.
[/quote]
As you do not specify, that is difficult t respond to.
Thanks for your comments,
Dale
[quote='trueenigma' pid='139488' dateline='1379200199']
I agree with Milo, Tex.
I started to write it down for crit, but I'm finding that a lot of it want really improved at all. I like that you added the flash-back to luckys and a little more depth, but lines like thus make it difficult for me to get through:
[quote]
ubiquitous medium-dark
brown knit knee length dress
[/quote]
As that is merely a factual description I'm not sure what your objection is. In terms of the actual writing, I did not break it up because I wanted that particular rhythm, especially with the alliteration of the " knit knee", like "nittany lions".
Thanks for the comments,
dale
Billy,
"i stopped the read, it feels like a completely different poem. still a decent poem but not a patch on the original."
It is a completely differently, it is what you get when you try and accommodate everyone. I just wanted to see what kind of reaction I would get. Although there are some passages that read smoother, I completely removed the ambiguity around the speaker's motives as to what he was saying. So I explained why he thought what he thought, such as why the name "Madge", and that he was not being condescending about her job, but rather he had sympathy, and so on.
"i think you're no longer posting as you, instead you're doing what i do too much of, trying to please the critic and in doing so make it worse. this has a whole new and less worthy feel to it. how does one use a zippo like a sword"
No, don't worry, I haven't lost my integrity, I just thought I would try and give everyone what they wanted so they could see the results. I just found it interesting all the negative assumptions that were put on this with virtually no support from the poem. Very instructive really.
Thanks for your support Billy, and I agree, I think you could benefit from standing your ground a bit more on occasion. Just because we ask for criticism doesn't mean we have to give them out souls.
Hugs and kisses,
Dale
Yeah, I meant to make the "gen" I just forgot.
[quote='milo' pid='139485' dateline='1379199656']
This may be one of those instances where it is better to let it sit for a bit.
'gin is pronounced "jin" no matter how you may want it pronounced. I think that is symptomatic with what is going wrong here - the whole poem is trapped in the writer's head with no room for the reader.
Well, that's interesting.
While there are some parts of the revision i liked, for the most part I found it had the same issues, many of them more pronounced, as the original.
[/quote]
As you do not specify, that is difficult t respond to.
Thanks for your comments,
Dale
[quote='trueenigma' pid='139488' dateline='1379200199']
I agree with Milo, Tex.
I started to write it down for crit, but I'm finding that a lot of it want really improved at all. I like that you added the flash-back to luckys and a little more depth, but lines like thus make it difficult for me to get through:
[quote]
ubiquitous medium-dark
brown knit knee length dress
[/quote]
As that is merely a factual description I'm not sure what your objection is. In terms of the actual writing, I did not break it up because I wanted that particular rhythm, especially with the alliteration of the " knit knee", like "nittany lions".
Thanks for the comments,
dale
Billy,
"i stopped the read, it feels like a completely different poem. still a decent poem but not a patch on the original."
It is a completely differently, it is what you get when you try and accommodate everyone. I just wanted to see what kind of reaction I would get. Although there are some passages that read smoother, I completely removed the ambiguity around the speaker's motives as to what he was saying. So I explained why he thought what he thought, such as why the name "Madge", and that he was not being condescending about her job, but rather he had sympathy, and so on.
"i think you're no longer posting as you, instead you're doing what i do too much of, trying to please the critic and in doing so make it worse. this has a whole new and less worthy feel to it. how does one use a zippo like a sword"
No, don't worry, I haven't lost my integrity, I just thought I would try and give everyone what they wanted so they could see the results. I just found it interesting all the negative assumptions that were put on this with virtually no support from the poem. Very instructive really.
Thanks for your support Billy, and I agree, I think you could benefit from standing your ground a bit more on occasion. Just because we ask for criticism doesn't mean we have to give them out souls.
Hugs and kisses,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.