hi marcella (i think i got the name right 
)
for me ing words, gerunds or other always seem to weaken a word the more you use the weaker a poem becomes. i wonder if huddled would work better for an opener. i'd also try and make it a tight as possible, remove anything that doesn't help.
i first got the feeling of eloping but it isn't doesn't feel like an elopement. more like have a night away from the kids. the last line hooks back to the first stanza it has a sad quality about it. and also a bit of joy
huddled
a planned getaway
......
use words that suite,[no] instead of [foregoing]
)for me ing words, gerunds or other always seem to weaken a word the more you use the weaker a poem becomes. i wonder if huddled would work better for an opener. i'd also try and make it a tight as possible, remove anything that doesn't help.
i first got the feeling of eloping but it isn't doesn't feel like an elopement. more like have a night away from the kids. the last line hooks back to the first stanza it has a sad quality about it. and also a bit of joy
huddled
a planned getaway
......
use words that suite,[no] instead of [foregoing]
(09-17-2013, 10:09 AM)ellajam Wrote: huddling
they planned their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks
dreaming of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days is this indicating they have kids or their childhood days?
hair forced into style try and use an image instead of the style. beehives, or some other names of hairstyles they use.
little dress over long legs i like the use of little instead of short, it give a better image of skin tight
she kisses her boy goodbye
promising to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home so in the previous stanza it was her child
they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat lust-Jersey heat or lust, Jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected