09-16-2013, 04:25 AM
"Luxury springs from foaming mouths," is a great line and my favorite of the piece. To me, the whole piece speaks to, I guess what you would call, armchair warriors ("they recline amidst the warzones" seems to speak to this) and the general idea of those profiting from war without being involved in the actual hell of war itself.
In terms of flow, just in reading the poem, I feel like there's a natural break before "born patriots." So, perhaps give a paragraph break there to separate the poem up and enable better flow?
You already evoked the idea of recliners, so the line about them cheering from their bedsides seems redundant. Good juxtaposition, however, between falling cherries and blossoming souls of haze.
Of course, I could be completely wrong in my interpretation of this poem, but I thought it was worthwhile, if only a few minor tweaks were made.
In terms of flow, just in reading the poem, I feel like there's a natural break before "born patriots." So, perhaps give a paragraph break there to separate the poem up and enable better flow?
You already evoked the idea of recliners, so the line about them cheering from their bedsides seems redundant. Good juxtaposition, however, between falling cherries and blossoming souls of haze.
Of course, I could be completely wrong in my interpretation of this poem, but I thought it was worthwhile, if only a few minor tweaks were made.