Inspired by a Song

[rowens]

I see where two commas might still work


Of many, we are one.
Who are the others then?
They recline amidst the warzones.
Luxury springs from foaming mouths,
And they sip tea steeped in sickle cells.
Born patriots,
Weeping and cheering their country
From their bedsides.
There are enough hypocrites
To mourn a dying man
Yet see others fall like cherries,
And see their souls blossoming in the haze.
We watched them fly with the current,
Never remembered
Until I met the wind.
Then each voice was a feather,
Thirsting for the sky.
And together, they gave us wings.



Where that first comma might go depends on the pace and rhythm you want there.

And see their souls blossoming in the haze.

Could maybe be worded differently.



Of many, we are one.
Who are the others then?

And they sip tea steeped in sickle cells

Those lines seem a little out of place. The second, with sickle cells, could be worked in somehow if you want it in the poem; I kind of like it as it is. The first two lines of the poem don't make for a very strong opening.


The lines about a dying man, and feathers, wind and wings: they seem to go together fine. What song was it you mention in the title?