Response To Taint(ed) Love (edit #3)

[billy]

i think it's improving

will have a look later or tomorrow with some feedback

edit #2




Its love's light touch
its sparking electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds.

That barely perceptible
touch on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing out our spiraling grief
opening a channel for escape.


Love, a thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye,
sending its pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath,
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy.

(I have left only luck because it is opposed to luck and skill combined, and I just can't hear the needle's eye. Once again, I'm not sure if I've improved or slaughtered it.)

edit #1

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis love
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

(cement shoes made me laugh, I'm Brooklyn born)

or, for the less sentimental

tis lust
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis lust
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis lust
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis lust
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy



---------
Original

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy