Response To Taint(ed) Love (edit #3)

[billy]

my main problem is the lack of punctuation, without it, it's hard to see where and when some of the pauses should be, i know line ends sort them out as well as a comma but i'm getting caught up more about a comma than the poem in the first 4 lines. tis a shame, tis a poem with a lot of tis's, it has some decent original lines but it's a shame it's not written in the modern idiom. i'm of a min that ztanzas would help in the reading of it. great to see you editing marcella :J:

edit #1


tis love i'd forgo this line completely. and make the next two do the same job instead. you have love in the title. make it work or incorporate the line in the 2nd line [It's love's light touch]
its light touch
its silent electricity whils silent works i'd go for word that has a bit of body. like fuzzy or fizzy, or crackling...which is something electricity does.
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis love tis is an old contraction of it's is, it's is the modern contraction, why not use the modern version seeing as the poem is written in olde schoole english?
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain feels very emo
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street cliche, change it round a little make it a two way avenue or sidewalk or something else
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it no need for only, it's either luck or it isn't
through needle's eye id needle is the name of a person then this is good , [the needle's] reads better
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent this and the line above do nothing for the poem
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

(cement shoes made me laugh, I'm Brooklyn born)

or, for the less sentimental

tis lust
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis lust
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis lust
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis lust
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy



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Original

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy