09-15-2013, 06:43 AM
It comes out clearer. It might still take some time to get at it though. One problem is the punctuation.
This is an example of one of the rough spots:
There are enough hypocrites,
To mourn a dying man,
Yet see others fall like cherries,
And see their souls blossoming in the haze.
It starts to feel fragmented with all the commas. And the comma after hypocrites doesn't need to be there.
Luxury springs from foaming mouths,
And they sip tea steeped in sickle cells.
Born a patriot,
Weeping and cheering their country
From their bedsides.
It might be better to say, born patriots. Since everything else is plural.
If you make changes, you can make a new reply and say so. So it'll get noticed.
This is an example of one of the rough spots:
There are enough hypocrites,
To mourn a dying man,
Yet see others fall like cherries,
And see their souls blossoming in the haze.
It starts to feel fragmented with all the commas. And the comma after hypocrites doesn't need to be there.
Luxury springs from foaming mouths,
And they sip tea steeped in sickle cells.
Born a patriot,
Weeping and cheering their country
From their bedsides.
It might be better to say, born patriots. Since everything else is plural.
If you make changes, you can make a new reply and say so. So it'll get noticed.