09-14-2013, 08:08 PM
Editing notes
Stage one – an attempt to turn into a Conchalonn and add some alliteration / assonance. Initially I did not think it would work as an idea…now I am thinking so far so good, (great suggestion as an exercise in development by the way – actually quite inspired I think). At the moment I’m not sure if it would become a little tedious by the end of a longer poem….not sure if I can maintain this much creativity(…but then as a concept even this works, as the basic story line is the creative process of writing a poem ). Also think that perhaps the poem is taking over (again) because of what for me are filler words just to fit the form; so in keeping with the exercises to date perhaps this would be a miss but would value your input on these thoughts. I think I think too much
!
(Just about to start playing around with the end rhyme ideas to see how they play…will be back after Monday - busy weekend – have a great weekend yourself
AJ.)
I feel the imperfections,
ions in each unique wood flake,
aching under silent fields of snow;
onerous gram weighted peeks and troughs.
Offers of pristine carbon dated sheets
eat at my tired thoughts that slide,
idle in freefall past denied feet.
Metered images stretch like sun-downing starlings.
(Don’t like the last line in this but struggling with my second “eet” sound might need to change the line above. Wanted : -etched images).
Stage one – an attempt to turn into a Conchalonn and add some alliteration / assonance. Initially I did not think it would work as an idea…now I am thinking so far so good, (great suggestion as an exercise in development by the way – actually quite inspired I think). At the moment I’m not sure if it would become a little tedious by the end of a longer poem….not sure if I can maintain this much creativity(…but then as a concept even this works, as the basic story line is the creative process of writing a poem ). Also think that perhaps the poem is taking over (again) because of what for me are filler words just to fit the form; so in keeping with the exercises to date perhaps this would be a miss but would value your input on these thoughts. I think I think too much
!(Just about to start playing around with the end rhyme ideas to see how they play…will be back after Monday - busy weekend – have a great weekend yourself
AJ.)I feel the imperfections,
ions in each unique wood flake,
aching under silent fields of snow;
onerous gram weighted peeks and troughs.
Offers of pristine carbon dated sheets
eat at my tired thoughts that slide,
idle in freefall past denied feet.
Metered images stretch like sun-downing starlings.
(Don’t like the last line in this but struggling with my second “eet” sound might need to change the line above. Wanted : -etched images).